A blog? Blah, blah, blah…

It all seemed like balderdash to me and frankly speaking, I prefer to see the world through my own mince pies and not via some cached chunk of spam that’s been flung at one of my media devices.  But I’ve been converted;  I have seen the light; an epiphany or what alcoholics refer to as, a moment of clarity (only I don’t have a muffin and a cup of coffee to hand, but I do dig on swine).

Unlike Jules Winnfield, I haven’t decided to walk the earth and neither have I decided to quit and give up ‘the life’. But I do like the idea of walking from place-to-place; meeting people and getting into new adventures. No, I haven’t decided to beg for change, sleep in garbage bins,  eat what you throw away and generally be known as a bum…I’ll  just be Glasstec Paul – no more, no less.

“You have a blog”, said Simon Bunker: he’s the dude who managed to set this whole thing up in a totally cool and unique way which – I’m sure – has never been done before – ever. Now I know some of you aren’t very well and may already be trying to work out which one us is the effeminate one. It’s nothing of the sort (well, there was that one time we shared a muffin at the Ramada Hatfield, but our lips didn’t touch – and the general rule is, if there’s no contact, it’s not gay). As a matter of fact, he took my instructions in Yiddish despite, between us, we have a combined vocabulary of three words - in my favour of course. Within 24 hours, some bird by the name of Sarah McHarry (btw, not even spellchecker recognises that surname, so it can’t be real, not even in America) has  sent me an ebook. It looks like an interesting read and promises to help me build a blog, from scratch all by myself, even if I am a complete newbie. Hold on there sweetheart, you don’t just come waltzing into my inbox and start making assumptions that I, homosapien – one who tears up the assembly instructions for Ikea flat-pack furniture before I start – do not know what I am doing! I have enough of that from my own wifman at the moment, thank you very much. She says she’s hormonal; apparently her body is going through changes as she prepares to mother our second child. Who invented the hormone anyway? I want to have words with that person and see if they really meant to bring two syllables so dangerously close together.

If you haven’t already deduced, my name is Paul and my business is named Glasstec. For ease of reference, when combining the two, I will use Glassman which, was my preferred blog name / title / whatever the correct word is. Turns out, all the .coms and all the .co.uk domains have been taken by other people wishing to call themselves Glassman and this makes me feel very angry – about as furious as anyone would be if the name was used for an online portal for Depression Glass, Crystal Figurines and… Vaseline Glass? What I would do with a glass pitcher right now… Besides, like the time I presented myself as the ‘Glassman from Glasstec‘ to a room full of local businessmen (most of all whom were, as I found out later,  of Jewish extraction) when one of them approached me and wished me a happy Hanukkah and then launched into a very deftly spoken sentence in Yiddish. “I’m sorry, I have no idea what you just said,” I confessed, merley moments before he realised that I do not belong to any of the Jewish fraternities; just Glasstec Paul – no more, no less. But I wasn’t offended, not even a smidgen of how he would have felt if I suggested that we discuss the matter over a bacon buttie.

By the way, I’m not taking to Sarah McHarry’s ebook very well. After the ceremonial preamble to warm me up and get me excited about my new venture, she’s only thrown in, “OK, ready? Let’s rock and roll!” One can only hope this is not a sign of more ‘hoots’, ‘woots’ and ‘booyakashas’ to come. But, in stoic and true man fashion, I will stick to writing my blog. I might have a browse through Sarah’s guide though (when I finish, of course) just to see how well I did.

For the time being, I shall rely on my own logic to see what features I have at my disposal. Can anyone tell me how to change the font?