GlasstecPaul.Com

If Phil and I were superheroes, many people wouldn’t take us very seriously. Well, I think my alter ego, Glassman could get a cameo in Batman Regurgitates II and similarly, Transmitter Man would probably get to play the baddie in The IT Crowd or something. Phil may not be a hero to some, but for many petrolheads, his cars are definitely super.

It was a Thursday afternoon when I met Phil back in 2006;  he called and asked for a quote to remove and refit the heated rear windscreen on his De Tomaso Longchamp (I have to admit that he may as well have said it was a Fatsomutsa Zapparelli for all I knew at the time, but hey – you live and learn). He wanted a new rubber fitted to the heated rear window so I went along, expecting to see some DIY kit car or something. “Oh! A De Tomaso!” I said (I didn’t say it to pretend, but the car looked familiar – perhaps it was that embellished look which featured so strongly in Carrozzeria Ghia -designed cars) but this comfortable coupe didn’t have much chrome. It had a mass of muscle,  a plenitude of panache (and a leaking rear window) all rolled into one shell and plonked onto four voluminous tyres.

We got chatting and Phil suggested that I come along to the Enfield Pageant to see some classic and vintage cars, but I think he was trying hard not look worried about what someone had said about removing windows that are no longer available. Another bit of stupid advice he was given was to ‘cut the rubber’ to remove the glass. After a brief explanation on why rubbers shouldn’t be cut and Fairy Liquid is not such a great idea when putting the window back in, Phil began to relax. “Have you been on Pistonheads?” he asked, furtively “if you haven’t, I think you’ll like it”. He went on to describe the dynamic devotees of this cyber-society and how there isn’t a windscreen specialist imparting his knowledge. “People are always asking stuff about windscreens and automotive glass” he added.  Frankly speaking, Phil was winning the talking competition at this stage. To be brutally honest, he’d lapped me several times by now – but in a good way – and it’s not so bad if you’re defeated by the eventual winner and Phil wins every time we speak. He’s one of those guys that knows stuff; he’s the kind of bloke that remembers all that stuff,  with dates.  I’m sure he won’t mind me saying this (must behave now ’cause I’ll be inviting him later) but he remembers stuff with dates and references,  names and all the kind of stuff that lesser people just wouldn’t retain. Inspiring stuff. The man is one of those ‘Let Me Google That For You’  information resources on his chosen subjects. I duly went along to have a nosey at this online community for petrolheads.

Within five minutes of seeing a thread about the daughter of a formerly fat, erstwhile Chancellor of the Exchequer ( he’s shed about two Cheryl Coles of weight since his days as a Tory politician) Glassman came into existence (although thinking back,  it was a misleading thread title and I was disappointed that after 47 pages of posts, nobody had put up the recipe for Nigella’s Tasty Buns).

Transmitter Man has since kept in touch and we’ve bumped into each other at a couple of hoons. The De Tomasso stayed at home on both occasions, but I was introduced to another roaring beast, the TVR 420 SEAC. I was more than happy to oblige when Phil called a few weeks later and asked if he could leave the ‘Wedge’ with me while he shot off on business – if only he’d told me that he  wouldn’t have minded if I took her for a spin. The thought did cross my mind though, but the noise that thing makes, I feared that he may hear the roar all the way over in Amsterdam. “The screen is knackered,” he said “it has a few little chips on it but the glass surface is so pitted, the slightest bit of sun and I can’t see out!”

So a new windscreen it would be. The full replacement in pictures can be seen here soon.

Unless you’re one of those 3D Lemmings, you won’t appreciate being told where to do your shopping. Can you imagine walking up to your favourite supermarket and being confronted with an animated creature that only knows one word? “Blocker!” he says, as he steers you towards his mate, who shouts out the only word he knows, as together they tag-team and steer you towards a store you didn’t really plan on using the first place.

Hold it there, sunshine.

Most of us do not enjoy being told what to do. It’s in our genetic make up. From birth, we goad our parents by doing exactly what they’ve just told us not to do. Looking back, never again will I have the opportunity to put my finger in an electrical socket, I mean, have you seen the size of my fingers nowadays? My parents have a lot to answer for. Perhaps they were thinking it would be better for me to keep most of my digits where they originally sprouted from as I (at the time did not realise) would need them later in life. What would be this occasion; this defining moment when I would need my fingers the most? My car! That’s it! I will need all of my fingers for my car! Every finger will be instrumental – depending on the occasion, of course -  and I know it’s not just me (Mr angry Astra van man, I won’t be sending you a written invitation to cut me up like that again, but I see you’re well accustomed to that wrist action you displayed so gracefully – the next time I want to inflate my monster truck tyres with a hand pump I’ll give you a shout). Perhaps if we could gather enough 3D Lemmings together, we could set up enough Blockers and Turners to steer every car driver towards Cambridge. I think the 3D Lemmings could challenge the university graduates to a game of Blockbusters while we can park up at lawyer, Andrew Moody’s place so he can tell us more about steering.

Andrew Moody of Retail Motor Law

He’s a man who knows his decrees from his dollies; his writs from his welders and his addendums from his air-chisels. Indeed, Retail Motor Law’s Mr Moody is a former panel beater who is calling for free trade in his former field. But he won’t be relying on 3D Lemmings. Instead, he is gunning straight for the attention of the government with a petition. “With the vehicle body repair industry widely adopting a recognised standard, there is no valid reason why consumers should not be able to use a repair business of choice, providing it has achieved and maintains a recognised quality standard,” he said in Heather Grant’s report, featured in the Motor Industry magazine.

But Andrew’s campaign is frowned upon by yes, you guessed, some insurance companies. They like to think they’re doing their policyholders the courtesy of removing reams and reams of paperwork, several trips to dodgy repairers and capping it off by saving them an arduous journey to bank the cheque should any part of their car get mangled in a fender bender. Of course, this has nothing to do with the insurance companies getting a good deal by having their own, ‘approved’ repairers. As a consumer, did you ever stop to think, ‘approved by who?’ How would an insurance company know whether or not a panel needs repairing or replacing? Just because they know a few celebrities between them (apart from that podgy, nodding dog) it doesn’t mean they know how to pin-pull a dent on a Discovery! Perhaps they should use the word, ‘nominated’ which would be a bit closer to the truth: the ‘chosen ones’. There’s no approval system apart from the agreement and facility to carry out the work and subsequently settle outstanding invoices. Approved for direct billing. “Insurance companies are in the business of restricting customer choice as much as possible in order to reduce their costs and I don’t think they are entitled to do that. They do not inform the customer of their rights, that is the right of choice,” explains Richard Brinklow, proprietor of Hillarys Coachworks in Tunbridge Wells. “Consumer law depends on customers having a fair choice to select the grade of business that suits their purpose, or a business that they have used before”¹.

Automotive Technician Accreditation

With the advent of the IMI’s ATA standards, it’s about time our friends at the insurance companies looked at what many consumers are wising up to: personal service from local (or recommended) businesses. (I’m wondering if any of these insurance companies support the FSB’s Keep Trade Local campaign…). Can you imagine needing a routine surgical procedure and turning up at your local hospital only to be told by the ward manager to wait a couple of days as they flew in a cheaper surgeon? You’d probably beat your personal best on 3D Lemmings as you waited, but the thought of your convenience being spent for the gain of someone else is quite absurd. This is the basis of what Andrew’s allegation rests upon. Some of these insurance companies might as well drain your bladder as soon as you, ‘press 2 to report a claim’.

In my own line of work, I face similar problems on a regular basis but I’m not alone. Insurance restrictions are one of the most discussed subjects amongst my fellow professionals at The Automotive Glaziers Guild forum. Examples of policyholders being told to wait, on average, for three weeks for broken glass to be replaced is not an uncommon story. In these situations (where the policyholder may look to seek an alternative repairer) sanctions are often imposed which penalise the policyholder and restrict the (available) repairer from getting the damaged vehicle back on the road Bizarre? Andy Small of Firstglass Windscreens was recommended by a local Maserati dealership (his company has been sub-contracting for them for many years) but the vehicle owner was told (by his insurer) that he must use their own, preferred repairer. Yet (as if this hasn’t already given you an itchy head) many insurers will stipulate that the best available parts are used, using the best available products, techniques, etc. If some of the enforcers of these rules could only hear what they’re saying, I’m sure they’d be deeply embarrassed by the whole thing. Not saying all insurers are Shrek-like ogres, but I reckon there must be a lot of wax in them, there ears.

Commenting in a Pistonheads forum discussion, Anatol Poyer-Sleeman added, “Steering by insurers is probably the biggest issue in conventional body repairs at the moment.” The body repairer continued,“The bodyshop trade doesn’t really talk about customers, it talks about ‘work providers’, which is code for insurance companies.” But Tol feels there’s little benefit for the ‘non-approved’ repairer, despite the introduction of Publicly Available Standards ( “PAS” ) . The idea is that those that are keen on the scheme fork out loads of money to be assessed and – they hope -  qualified as an accredited technician. Superb! We can now all qualify for insurance work, right? But underneath these raisin and Hershey’s-dark-almond-chocolate-Easter-rabbit overtones (breezed with raspberry-filled Dunkin Doughnut highlights) is an aftertaste: a raspy finish with a cutting splash of pickled onion vinegar. “PAS:125 is a connected issue – the standard is written in such a way that ATA qualifications are effectively necessary to get it; other qualifications that initially count magically expire for validity after 3 years,” explains Tol. “The gatekeeper to ATA is Thatcham – which is wholly owned by… *drum roll* the Association of British Insurers. What a surprise that inscos are pro-PAS”. There’s a lot more to this steering malarkey. It’s more like being sat on one of those driver-less monorails at Stanstead  – as you’re ‘delivered’ to your gate, ready for departure. We must stop this. Immediately. But something a bit more controlled, rehearsed and subtle than a Keanu Reeves style, “There’s a bomb on the bus!”

"Turn left into that bodyshop"

Fighting out of the blue corner, extending his argument using jabs like a welterweight boxer, Andrew Moody claims that pressure-selling tactics are also applied to both policyholders and repairers alike. One example he gives is that a ‘work provider’ requires members of its network to ‘introduce’ a minimum of 10% of ‘non-blame’ parties. The ‘return’ this ‘provider’ expects for every 10 jobs is at least one ‘innocent party’. This appears to be just as inverted as the punctuation marks around the words used to describe the practice. “What’s more, if sufficient customers are not referred, then the repairer is penalised. Some have been docked £150 for every customer below the expected number”. But the opposite corner, the defending champions, are disputing our peoples champion’s claims. Their defence is that an approved repairer system works to the consumers’ advantage in a number of ways (not to mention the money they stand to save by pressing smaller repairers with their schemes). Engineering specialist Jon Parker talks the argument down with, “Trying to invoke legislation that will prevent insurers directing work into their approved networks is, in my opinion, futile, as the insurer is responsible for the repair and has a duty of care and corporate social responsibility to ensure methods of repair are correct.” It’s a good defence but can Parker guard against Moody’s contention? “In addition,” he supports “it is highly likely that insurers can obtain a cheaper repair from their own accredited networks. That’s just business. A policyholder who is directed to either a Kitemark or vehicle manufacturer-approved repairer by their insurer should receive the best possible repair”² (perhaps Mr Parker would like to get a whiff of that Maserati dealer’s macchiato machine as we send Andy Small down to serve him a Caramelised biscuit to help soak things up!).

There’s more pressure on the repairer and if the idea of good ‘business’ is to cut costs, the consumers’ detriment comes with the cutting of corners.

What next, insurers insisting that (in the name of ‘business’) the repairer fits second-hand parts? Oh no, wait…

Acknowledgements:

¹` ² Quoted from IMI Industry Magazine report by Heather Grant

Picture of Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock from the movie: Speed.

Last week, my windscreen world was turned upside down by an email.

Luckily it was only a scare lasting for some, 15 minutes and I spared my 18 month-old son’s blushes by not sending him to nursery with a nappy over his head. The trouble is, I’ve subscribed to a few million newsletters (some are very educational, like the one that keeps turning up to tell me that my pen is too small).  In the space of a week, my inbox was taking in as many emails as a Downing Street petition, all carrying one common denominator – I could ignore them no more and had to investigate further.  It turns out, car designer Daniel Garcia has put together a few images on his computer and created a concept which threatens to take down the Glassman Empire. Me thinks a visit to Universidad Politécnica de Valencia is needed – pronto – to make sure he doesn’t venture too far into the future from the year 2010.

To prevent any embarrassment (after all senor Garcia may even get to read this before I get to him) credit is due, for he has taken an able-bodied Audi and squashed it. I can just see him looking at the saloon version through squinted eyes, as if the guy who delivered it to his studio stopped the bleedin’ thing on his toes as he parked it. But the talented Garcia has taken his design and thrust it onto a carousel and the sports coupe rides with the BMW Gran Coupe, the very stern-faced Mercedes-Benz F800 as it stares down the on-looking Lamborghini Estoque and Porsche Panamera.  As I read through the  list of features, I started to warm to Mr Garcia in the same way that he, himself was inspired by compatriot and  award-winning architect,Santiago Calatrava. Of course, motorhomes excluded, buildings don’t have a need for wheels (especially ones with electric motors in them) but  Calatrava’s own building designs, in particular La Ciudad de las Artes y de las Ciencias (The City of Arts and Sciences) are clear influences in the inception of Garcia’s idea. How about the chameleon-like skin, which can electronically change colour at the touch of a button ? (Mind you, nobody yet knows how this can or will be achieved, so the idea is about as feasible as switches that can read your mind and not only make the necessary colour change, but also know when to do it) . His vision would make any mother proud but mama Glassman has a bone to pick with our amigo in Valencia: self-repairing glass?!

Looky here, Daniel-son, I’m happy and truly inspired that you’re putting your university degree to good use, but a windscreen that can repair itself? What about Brummie bloke Gavin? What will become of his broken heart when he realises that the days of ‘that tiny little chip turning into a great big crack costing an expensive insurance excess’ are numbered? I can’t begin to imagine how the idea of a car that can fix itself would be perceived on Dragons’ Den. The first thing Theo Paphitis will say is, “You can’t even bloody see out of it; I’m out!” Do us all a favour, amigo and suggest a different invention, like a device that will stick pins in that Popodopulous Paphitis’ eyeballs for him (he’s been using that line for two series now and it’s about time someone called his bluff).  Or how about a head band which electronically tightens and retracts, pulling Deborah Meaden’s eyebrows up, every time the camera switches to her face? That would be ace and a grand muchas gracias if you can fix that one for me, por favor!

For now, I will rest in comfort and breathe with relative ease in the knowledge that the far-out and imaginative one-piece windscreen and glass roof is based on a nano-technology material that has not yet been invented. But let this be a warning to anyone thinking of pushing the idea forward, if you get as far as proto-typing anything remotely close to a self repairing windscreen, Glassman will find your address and ask you questions.

A blog? Blah, blah, blah…

It all seemed like balderdash to me and frankly speaking, I prefer to see the world through my own mince pies and not via some cached chunk of spam that’s been flung at one of my media devices.  But I’ve been converted;  I have seen the light; an epiphany or what alcoholics refer to as, a moment of clarity (only I don’t have a muffin and a cup of coffee to hand, but I do dig on swine).

Unlike Jules Winnfield, I haven’t decided to walk the earth and neither have I decided to quit and give up ‘the life’. But I do like the idea of walking from place-to-place; meeting people and getting into new adventures. No, I haven’t decided to beg for change, sleep in garbage bins,  eat what you throw away and generally be known as a bum…I’ll  just be Glasstec Paul – no more, no less.

“You have a blog”, said Simon Bunker: he’s the dude who managed to set this whole thing up in a totally cool and unique way which – I’m sure – has never been done before – ever. Now I know some of you aren’t very well and may already be trying to work out which one us is the effeminate one. It’s nothing of the sort (well, there was that one time we shared a muffin at the Ramada Hatfield, but our lips didn’t touch – and the general rule is, if there’s no contact, it’s not gay). As a matter of fact, he took my instructions in Yiddish despite, between us, we have a combined vocabulary of three words - in my favour of course. Within 24 hours, some bird by the name of Sarah McHarry (btw, not even spellchecker recognises that surname, so it can’t be real, not even in America) has  sent me an ebook. It looks like an interesting read and promises to help me build a blog, from scratch all by myself, even if I am a complete newbie. Hold on there sweetheart, you don’t just come waltzing into my inbox and start making assumptions that I, homosapien – one who tears up the assembly instructions for Ikea flat-pack furniture before I start – do not know what I am doing! I have enough of that from my own wifman at the moment, thank you very much. She says she’s hormonal; apparently her body is going through changes as she prepares to mother our second child. Who invented the hormone anyway? I want to have words with that person and see if they really meant to bring two syllables so dangerously close together.

If you haven’t already deduced, my name is Paul and my business is named Glasstec. For ease of reference, when combining the two, I will use Glassman which, was my preferred blog name / title / whatever the correct word is. Turns out, all the .coms and all the .co.uk domains have been taken by other people wishing to call themselves Glassman and this makes me feel very angry – about as furious as anyone would be if the name was used for an online portal for Depression Glass, Crystal Figurines and… Vaseline Glass? What I would do with a glass pitcher right now… Besides, like the time I presented myself as the ‘Glassman from Glasstec‘ to a room full of local businessmen (most of all whom were, as I found out later,  of Jewish extraction) when one of them approached me and wished me a happy Hanukkah and then launched into a very deftly spoken sentence in Yiddish. “I’m sorry, I have no idea what you just said,” I confessed, merley moments before he realised that I do not belong to any of the Jewish fraternities; just Glasstec Paul – no more, no less. But I wasn’t offended, not even a smidgen of how he would have felt if I suggested that we discuss the matter over a bacon buttie.

By the way, I’m not taking to Sarah McHarry’s ebook very well. After the ceremonial preamble to warm me up and get me excited about my new venture, she’s only thrown in, “OK, ready? Let’s rock and roll!” One can only hope this is not a sign of more ‘hoots’, ‘woots’ and ‘booyakashas’ to come. But, in stoic and true man fashion, I will stick to writing my blog. I might have a browse through Sarah’s guide though (when I finish, of course) just to see how well I did.

For the time being, I shall rely on my own logic to see what features I have at my disposal. Can anyone tell me how to change the font?